I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
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I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
All. The. Damn. Time.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
“What?”
– Jude
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
That’s fair