“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
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Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Breaking news:
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”