stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
never forget