My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
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You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry