They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
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BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just鈥攓uick poll鈥攚ho else does NOT want to go?
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
BOUNCER: I鈥檓 sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I鈥檓 sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it鈥檚 going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
This kid鈥檚 parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
me to the government: no broo I swear I don鈥檛 make that much money i promise you bro 馃槶 馃槵
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I鈥檓 good for it just let me live here bro you don鈥檛 have to worry about me fr I promise 馃槫馃
nurse: I鈥檓 pretty sure he鈥檚 dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
What鈥檚 the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
You can鈥檛 keep running away from your problems, you鈥檙e getting older and your kids are getting faster.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That鈥檚 my Doctor.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.