I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
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Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no