baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
You Might Also Like
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back