Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
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I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?