My love language is deader than Latin
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Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
so i’m at the stock market right
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Spider-cat: No One Home
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.