My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 馃槀
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Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I can鈥檛 imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I don鈥檛 get marriage
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
How we blocked people in the 90s 馃槃
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don鈥檛 have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I like the new game of thrones show but I don鈥檛 think the laugh track is necessary
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.