Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
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My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Great game to play with friends
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
philosophical skeletons be like
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.