[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
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next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
i baked you a cake
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…