You Might Also Like
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
do horses think humans are hats
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Husband of the year 😂
At least try to make it slightly believable
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins