Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
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“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?