Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
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If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
handsome & gretel
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this