I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
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I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.