If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
You Might Also Like
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.