Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
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5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.