Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*