i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
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*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*