If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
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[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!