Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
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Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
sliding into dms like
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣