If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
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Good Morning.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I love art.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.