[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
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The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Born to be mild.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard