As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
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My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”