i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
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Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Why I divorced her.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My ideal weight is five million dollars
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.