If you’re testing me, we failed.
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A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.