Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
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In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*