Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
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THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”