Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
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Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
dictator is short for richard potato
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen