Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
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“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99