Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
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Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Love is in the air fryer.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.