Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Okay
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Bloody internet 😳
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?