Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
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9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Support your local cemetery
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane