I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
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Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Wait for it
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
i wish i could marry a nap
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.