My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
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My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
The happy life.. 😊
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged