A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them