i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
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If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
This hospital has everything
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.