how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
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Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no