Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
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me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I triple waxed for this?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying