Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
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“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Buck naked
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!