I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
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We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
A great tip. #CakeRex
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I have a place for everything. The floor.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating