Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
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[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.