Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
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The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
So creative 😂
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.