I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
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Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”