“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
You Might Also Like
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Bill is short for Billiam
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.