Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
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the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!