Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
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my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Schrödinger’s cookie
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.