As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
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Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
when there are deer in the woods
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
BaD BoY!!