[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
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Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be